2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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