Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
