wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
foreskin is a definite game changer
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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