I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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