i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just high enough for therapy.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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