There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
