im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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