Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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