Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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