Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
