I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
