Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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