When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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