My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
