the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
