I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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