You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I met the friendliest cop last night
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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