my phone needs a breathalizer
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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