When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
