OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
