You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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