you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
