We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
