somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
