You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
