I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
