At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
