Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
