Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
