My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
