if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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