i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
