She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
