I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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