Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
cat food counts as protein by the way
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
