i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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