I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
