I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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