My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
