the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
