I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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