new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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