she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Of course I have a pirate flag
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
