sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
