I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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