I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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