Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
