worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
