I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Let the clothes fall where they may.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
