True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
