Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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